Family breakdown, separation and divorce can be an incredibly stressful and confusing time for all involved. A range of feelings can be experienced such as; hurt, resentment, guilt, confusion, grief and loss, anxiety, regret, loneliness, relief, sadness among many others.
Research shows that during this time children are too often becoming the ‘messenger’. the communication link between parents. This can occur inadvertently or when a parent asks the child to find out or, withhold information about the other person,their weekend or their new partner and deliver it back to them.
This ‘messenger’ role puts children in an extremely difficult position, not only can it create alliances and distrust, it can also cause children to feel responsible, whilst putting huge amounts of emotional stress on them, to try to manage and deal with adult concepts and issues that are effectively adult ones to resolve.
Following are 3 tips that research suggests are helpful to be aware of, when going through separation or divorce.
1 - be mindful of the role of ’messenger’., if communication with your ex partner is challenging, it may be helpful to try using email. .Email can give each parent the opportunity to read over a message before hitting send and also documents what was agreed too. This approach also avoids having to have challenging conversations about the children, in front of the children
2- try to be mindful of not putting too much of your own personal stress and anxiety onto your child, they do not have the capacity to deal with adult concepts and issues. There are other avenues for parents to seek emotional support such as though online groups and counselling (see resources page for ideas)
3 - if your child is spending time at your ex partners place, upon their return to you, it is important to acknowledge their weekend. As completely ignoring their experience or bombarding them with questions, can make children feel conflicted and unsure about what they can and cannot say. Marriage and Family expert M Gary Neuman suggests that it may help for parents to view their child’s weekend away, as if it had been with aunt or uncle, as this can help parents to show interest, whilst maintaining boundaries and not getting into interrogation mode.
It’s important to remember that if you have been unintentionally engaging in this way, there is always opportunity to repair this with your child. Apologise, explain what you have done and then come up with a sign that they can use, such as putting their hand in the air, should you start talking about your ex partner in an inappropriate way. This not only give you a time out but empowers your child to let you know that its happening again, without having to verbalise it.
If you need additional support and guidance, there are several agencies and professionals who specialise in this area, please refer to the resources page
Ref Divorced Parents & Their Children WebMD (2009).
